Birdman

If I'm a total noob about PHP and MySQL? I'm starting from scratch and would like to learn PHP off a few tutorials. I have a website I'd like to add the options of letting my visitors 1) Register, 2) log-in, 3) make a profile limited to things I think would look fitting for the site (I don't want to give them too much control over the layout and whatnot, just what goes in the set ones). 4) Build a forum, and 5) have things updated by emailing the news feeds.
I know it sounds like a lot, but if it is, would someone be willing to teach me how or where to look for all the questions? site - splendidangst dot com
/bios/mikekarle.html is the layout I would like to use for all profiles made